Seinfeld VS Stephen King

Ok, let’s get something straight right off the bat: Stephen King is the greatest author alive today. At any point in time, if people writing books coincides with Stephen King being alive, he is automatically better at it than anyone else. This is irrelevant of age or incarnation. Due to the cyclical nature of time, be he five, forty-five, or a porpoise-fern hybrid re-incarnated in an Eco-Soviet lab one-hundred and thirty years from now, the inevitable fact that the slowly spiralling millennia will eventually have him putting pen to paper once again makes him unbeatable. Why his name isn’t an adjective for awesome yet, only the gods – and possibly Stephen King – know.

Those of you who disagree are wrong. I can only imagine that you, A: haven’t read him, B: are illiterate, or C: are an amorphous, bacterial blob slowly circling the crater of an underwater vent, deep in an ocean trench where the crushing weight of the black water severs all chance that the warm touch of the sun’s rays will ever bring any life to the tiny, cold, sputtering spark that may or may not be called your soul.

For those of you who prefer Dean Koontz... well, I guess I should be happy you can read at all.

May I suggest a few more equally scintillating reads?

Cheetah Relieves Itself Through Goofy Game Ranger's Sunroof - Just... I mean... wow...

I had to deliberate with myself carefully before deciding to post this. I couldn’t quite decided if this was just crass toilet humour or if it was legitimately funny. The base side of my brain – the half responsible for sexual impulses, fetishes, spontaneous bouts of violence, binge drinking and an inexplicable appreciation of SABC 1 and 2 – screamed, “Yes, damnit! It’s a cheetah pooping on a game ranger!”

The right half – responsible for logical reasoning, witty comebacks, bohemian waffling and my right index finger – said, “Oh FUCK! That’s a cheetah pooping on a game ranger!”

In the end, I didn’t have to deliberate for too long.

I’ll justify it thus, however: for centuries upon centuries, mankind has been shitting all over nature. It’s only fair that nature gets to shit al over us.

One–nil, Nature. Our move…