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03 June 2011

Platypus 'Duos'

What are the chances? A day after I post my epic ode to the Platypus and I stumble upon the most irrefutable proof of their superiority, published by an organization only slightly less reputable than myself.

As it turns out, the platypus has the capacity for both blood curdling violence and merciful healing.

Yea, for with his webbed, venomous paw doth he both giveth and taketh away.

“Amen, bitches.”

It seems that the heart-stopping awesomeness of the platypus extends not just to its ability to singlehandedly bring the human race crumbling down to a jabbering mass of structureless, gurgling amoeboids, but to the unique cells and particles that make up its other-worldly body. To be more specific, its ‘platypus proteins’.

Now, extensive research and fact checking has forever been an indispensable part of my writing process. Therefore, in order to present a balanced, educated and acceptably douchey thesis to you, my loving readers, I went ahead and Wikied ‘proteins’. I got as far as “a single linear polymer chain of amino acids bonded together by peptide bonds between the carboxyl and amino groups of adjacent amino acid residues” before punching the screen, covering it with meat sauce and feeding it to my emergency wolverine. I can only imagine, therefore, that the Platypus Protein is a particle only recently discovered during the autopsy of a partially devoured, overly ambitious Australian explorer. 

It’s amazing what you can collect from wounds and saliva these days.

Platypus Protein: seen here.

Where science has failed, the platypus has prevailed once again, stepping up to solve, not only the pesky problem of virulent, drug-resistant super-bugs, but global warming itself.

According the Victorian Agriculture Minister, Joe Helper, scientists discovered several new antimicrobials – micro doohickies similar to our bacteria-slaying antiseptics. Why is this impressive, you may ask? Well, these platypode antimicrobials are 10 times more powerful that those currently used by humans. For those of you for whom math has always been a fickle lover, let me utilise an analogy with which you may be more familiar:

It’s like being shot at point blank range with an M16 rifle as opposed to someone throwing the bullet at you really hard.

According to the helpful farmer mentioned above, this protein has the potential to protect us from super-bugs and speed up recovery time in hospitals. Not only that, but feed it to cattle and voilĂ ! A reduction of methane production and a drop in cow farts – Australia’s largest contribution to greenhouse gasses!

The implications of this discovery are overwhelming, of course. Once this information gets out, a drastic shifting of the global mindset is sure to occur. My only hope is that the violence is kept to a minimum. But then, that is rarely the case when it come to holy wars.

Huh? What?

Well, I would have thought it obvious. Blood that heals. Driving out disease. Saving the fucking world!...

The platypus is Jesus.


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