23 June 2011

Justin Bieber will Destroy You, and Probably Me Too

Ok, so I came across this article a little late, but the terrifying implications are in no way lessened by the passage of a few days.

The hammer has been struck, the herald has tweeted, the sacrificial emo virgin has been set alight atop Island Def Jam studios.

The Biebette army has cast its first stone.
It looked like this

So, boring story short, Miss Kevin Kristopik hacked into the Twitter account of Miss Bieber’s super bestest friend; let’s call him Miss Susie Sparklepants. My guess is that Miss Kristopik was just so SOOP XcItED 2 be lyk LOLZing wit USHA that she lost all her boy juices and face-planted her keyboard, which, by pure coincidence, is exactly how anyone even vaguely related to the Biebster enters their personal password.

Bieberoonie proceeded to loose his girly-shit and, in a fit of teenaged hormone secretion, posted Miss K’s cell number on his Twitter account, inviting the global swamp of Biebetites to give him a holla. Across the globe, phalange milk-bones popped and exploded like small, swollen pegs under a hammer as the Bieblolita multitude leapt at the chance to text and call their alien leader.

Unsurprisingly, Miss Kristopik was forced to close his twitter account, then burry his cellphone in an unmarked grave. Presumably.

It looked like this

According to Ben Parker, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
This is, of course, a filthy lie. With great power comes great douchery, and no such douche-power is more dangerous than that held by a young pop star going through his first period.

We live in a world where a seventeen-year-old nitwit can control over ten-and-a-half-million fucksticks with a punch of his baby-thumb. Does no-one else foresee a problem here?!

Jokes aside, this international, news-worthy event highlights some dire implications. Blind devotion and leader idolization has turned on societies more times than history can count. Can you imagine a world wherein a kid who shouldn’t be out of high-school yet, a world where said nimrod doesn’t have the adult foresight or concept of consequence to think twice about lying to almost eleven-million people in order to take petty revenge on a teenager because his ego was hurt, can affect voter decisions?

For lack of a more eloquent turn of phrase,
it’s fucking terrifying.

Sure, this sort of idol worship has been around since the first lung-fish crawled out into the muck, took three deep breaths, cocked his hat and put it to song. We’ve built empires around celebrities – whole publishing houses dedicated to forcing their every waking moments down the gagging public’s throat.

Tabloid and gossip magazines have always been the scum of the publishing world. More and more, however, I am coming to realize that they also acted as a necessary buffer between the screaming masses and whichever mindless buffoon they were temporarily prostrating themselves before. They were a filter, a go-between, taken with a grain of salt. 
Back in the day, if Facesparklez Magazine reported that Kevin Costner hated cyclists, people would simply nod their heads, exclaim, “Well, by golly, so do I!” and carry on about heir day.
Not so any longer. Thanks to the likes of Twitter, celebrities can now warble out gargantuan quantities of ill-educated, baseless, personal and inane rubbish, and their global herds of followers gobble it up like holy writ.

Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…

A critic tweets a remark about a celebrity who may or may not have killed both himself and a friend while driving intoxicated, and the masses descend on his online profiles until he is forced to make an apology. Sarah Silverman makes a Youtube video and Obama wins the election. Costner makes a quip about lycra-clad, bi-cycling city locusts and the set of Waterworld is burned to the ground. See my point yet?

Fact: there are few people on this planet – barring, maybe, Bill Murry – who are capable of handling that sort of responsibility.

I firmly believe in social media and free speech. Unfortunately, my outlook regarding people in general isn’t as generous. It’s a pity that technology has progressed so much faster than the average human intellect that, in all honesty, stalled indefinitely midway through the third season of Step By Step. Social media is a firmly ingrained part of our culture now. I just hope that we’re ready to [T]reap the long term consequences.

See what I did there?

Before Kevin Kristopik's Twitter account was banished to the ninth layer of Twitter hell (his account, by the way, not that of the lying Lilliputian, Bieber) he is reported to have posted:

"I never asked for it, @justinbieber is a dick."

We couldn’t agree more, kid. We couldn’t agree more.


  1. 100% agreed. The power influence that these people wield is fucking ridiculous. People need to stop worshiping celebrities so much and start thinking for themselves. Are our lives so boring and meaningless that we have to throw ourselves headlong into the stupid lives of other people just to be happy? Do people even realize that they're just being livestock when they blindly follow some douchebag entertainer?

    I take solace in the fact that this Bieber thing will blow over as the Leonardo Di Caprio thing faded in the 90s but I fear I'll never come to respect the Bieb as I've come to respect Leo.

  2. He is a just a kid. People don't worship him, they worship the idea. The idea of Justin Bieber as a character. He is a performer and people don't see that he is just a teenage boy with a mind of a green banana.

    I won't hate him. He has done nothing to me and to blindly hate someone is not cool. You can hate the media for creating his image that people flock towards but don't hate the kid. I feel a kind of pity for him. The guy is constantly on the road, doing shows, events, TV interviews, online interviews etc. A couple of years of this he is going to be in his mid twenties and wondering where the fuck his childhood went. M J all over again?

  3. Hey, I never said I hate the kid (I don’t think). Hating takes a lot of effort and ammunition, both of which are expensive. I am perfectly within my right to loath him, however.

    Using an individual’s lifestyle as an excuse for their actions is bollocks – unless said person was raised in an upturned bucket and poked with sticks until he turned twelve, maybe. But he only became famous around the age of fourteen, more than enough years to have learned the difference between ‘good’ and ‘dick’.

    This is all beside the point, though, because I wasn’t bitching at Bieber for being an irresponsible little pillock. I was ragging on the society that placed a spoilt, seventeen-year-old brat in a position to actively, and directly, influence almost eleven million people for his own petty, personal motives. That’s a small countries worth of people (Or a big country? I don’t know. Stop forcing me to talk with numbers!).

    And he did it by lying. To the whole world. If he was only a few years older, or involved in global politics (which I haven’t ruled out yet) an action like would be called megalomaniacal.

  4. Oh, with all your pseudonyms I completely got confused on what happened. Ok cool. He gave out his best friends cellphone number to his fans. Yeh that is pretty dick and also kinda funny. :P